Wednesday, October 09, 2002
I wrote this last night and waited to post it until today so that I could start off on the right note...
I wasn’t sure what I wanted to write about. I just knew I wanted to write.
Then as I was taking my fifth beer piss of the evening, it hit me.
I want to write about Paul for a bit.
This is what I want to say tonight:
I love Paul. I love him, love him, love him. I don’t know why I love him, I just do. I always thought that the person I fell in love with would be some movie star celebrity or horribly successful, but devestatingly handsome philanthropist.
Instead I date the very nice looking, horribly work oriented, very often emotionally distant, bartender. Sure he has his degree in Biology from BU and studied in Africa for 8 months. Sure he has more money than I could ever dream of achieving at this point in my life. Sure he is a very intellectual, unbelievably responsible personality.
But where is my hot passionate lover that is going to take full care of me while allowing me to be who I have always wanted to be?
Where is the dream boyfriend I knew I would get?
I am not sure that Paul is the one for me to end up with. I have never thought that in the past and I have currently fought that idea more than I would ever bother to explain to anyone.
In my mind, he is the person who teaches me about love in order for me to find my true love in the future.
Wow. That sucks.
But it has always been true.
Now that we are just about 3 years into our relationship, I have definitly learned what love really is. What it ends up being after the luster of the whole thing goes away.
Love is counting on someone. Love is knowing that no matter how bad things get around you, with whomever or whatever or whereever...this person will always take you in and protect you. This person will allow you to show the ugliest side of your personality and then in turn respect you more for it. In fact, they will love you more just for the fact that you allowed yourself to let it happen.
The person you love will be all of these things while still looking at you in a way that no one else can. They will tell you to “Cut the Shit”, in an email, faster than anyone else in your life. They know you and don’t accept anything but the truth.
These qualities I have in Paul.
While I still sit here and think in my concious that Paul and I will ultimately just have “a good run”, I now sit here and think “what if?” What if Paul is it for me? What if he is meant to be my “One and only”. I whole heartedly believe in the idea of “one perfect person for everyone on this earth”. Is Paul mine?
The problem that I face is this...
In our entire relationship, Paul and I have only lived in the same city for 6 months. We shared an apartment and it was beautiful and then ugly all before we could even realize it. I vowed to never live with a boyfriend again.
However, we stayed together and we worked through it despite the problems we had in the past and the horribly impossible long distance relationship that was our future.
We did it.
We overcame it and we are now at the point in which he is moving to the city to be with me. No matter how you look at it and no matter how I try to fake it, the kid is moving to NYC to be with me. His boyfriend that he is in love with.
Since we have only known random weekends together, what will it be like when I see him just about every day?
Will this work?
I am so excited to give it a try. I love him deeply enough to allow this to happen in good faith
but I would be stupid not to admit that a lot will change with him being here.
No more random hook ups. No more instigating flirtation.
It’s time for us to give this a real shot.
Shit. This is going to be big.
While Paul and I fight alot, we do have quite a few sincere moments. I give him a bad rap in this journal as I do with him and a lot of friends in my real life. I don’t mean it the way it all sounds.
Yet it does show me that I am afraid of so many things in this relationship.
It is a written example of how I can’t commit to anything. No matter how good it could prove to be in the end.
I have yet to give myself over to Paul.
If he has done it, why haven’t I?
After this long, I can’t believe that I would still have so much work left to do.
I love him enough to at least try.
I wasn’t sure what I wanted to write about. I just knew I wanted to write.
Then as I was taking my fifth beer piss of the evening, it hit me.
I want to write about Paul for a bit.
This is what I want to say tonight:
I love Paul. I love him, love him, love him. I don’t know why I love him, I just do. I always thought that the person I fell in love with would be some movie star celebrity or horribly successful, but devestatingly handsome philanthropist.
Instead I date the very nice looking, horribly work oriented, very often emotionally distant, bartender. Sure he has his degree in Biology from BU and studied in Africa for 8 months. Sure he has more money than I could ever dream of achieving at this point in my life. Sure he is a very intellectual, unbelievably responsible personality.
But where is my hot passionate lover that is going to take full care of me while allowing me to be who I have always wanted to be?
Where is the dream boyfriend I knew I would get?
I am not sure that Paul is the one for me to end up with. I have never thought that in the past and I have currently fought that idea more than I would ever bother to explain to anyone.
In my mind, he is the person who teaches me about love in order for me to find my true love in the future.
Wow. That sucks.
But it has always been true.
Now that we are just about 3 years into our relationship, I have definitly learned what love really is. What it ends up being after the luster of the whole thing goes away.
Love is counting on someone. Love is knowing that no matter how bad things get around you, with whomever or whatever or whereever...this person will always take you in and protect you. This person will allow you to show the ugliest side of your personality and then in turn respect you more for it. In fact, they will love you more just for the fact that you allowed yourself to let it happen.
The person you love will be all of these things while still looking at you in a way that no one else can. They will tell you to “Cut the Shit”, in an email, faster than anyone else in your life. They know you and don’t accept anything but the truth.
These qualities I have in Paul.
While I still sit here and think in my concious that Paul and I will ultimately just have “a good run”, I now sit here and think “what if?” What if Paul is it for me? What if he is meant to be my “One and only”. I whole heartedly believe in the idea of “one perfect person for everyone on this earth”. Is Paul mine?
The problem that I face is this...
In our entire relationship, Paul and I have only lived in the same city for 6 months. We shared an apartment and it was beautiful and then ugly all before we could even realize it. I vowed to never live with a boyfriend again.
However, we stayed together and we worked through it despite the problems we had in the past and the horribly impossible long distance relationship that was our future.
We did it.
We overcame it and we are now at the point in which he is moving to the city to be with me. No matter how you look at it and no matter how I try to fake it, the kid is moving to NYC to be with me. His boyfriend that he is in love with.
Since we have only known random weekends together, what will it be like when I see him just about every day?
Will this work?
I am so excited to give it a try. I love him deeply enough to allow this to happen in good faith
but I would be stupid not to admit that a lot will change with him being here.
No more random hook ups. No more instigating flirtation.
It’s time for us to give this a real shot.
Shit. This is going to be big.
While Paul and I fight alot, we do have quite a few sincere moments. I give him a bad rap in this journal as I do with him and a lot of friends in my real life. I don’t mean it the way it all sounds.
Yet it does show me that I am afraid of so many things in this relationship.
It is a written example of how I can’t commit to anything. No matter how good it could prove to be in the end.
I have yet to give myself over to Paul.
If he has done it, why haven’t I?
After this long, I can’t believe that I would still have so much work left to do.
I love him enough to at least try.
